The Kiss

Since 2020, I’ve become an avid lister to BBC Radio 5 Live’s broadcaster Dotun Adebayo. Occasionally I listen in to the World Football phone in. Together with Tim Vickery, various guests, and various listeners, they offer a dialogue, a conversation that I am beginning to realise, I have waited decades to hear.

This was particularly true on August 29th 2023.

‘The Kiss’ is a reference to the event that happened on August 20th. After Spain had won the World Cup final, Luis Rubiales, 46, kissed Jenni Hermioso full on the lips. It wasn’t a peck, he grasped her head in both hands. She couldn’t have wriggled out without force.

I had been listening to some of the coverage over the following week, and essentially was thinking it was mostly a storm in a teacup. What’s wrong with a celebratory kiss? It felt like too much was being made of what seemed to be a spontanious and natural human reaction to a moment of celebration.

Then Tuesday morning, I could hear a regular contributer, repeat frequently, that it, the Kiss, was a minutiae event. As a feminist she could tell the difference between assault , and the body language revealed that the woman being kissed was happy, was not upset, and that the upset was being invented. The speaker was vehement in her declaration, and the longer the words were repeated, the more she didn’t listen to the counter argument, the more I realised how misguided she, and I were. This was followed by another caller, echoing the sentiment, at least understanding where the speaker had been coming from, and demanding that the broadcasters need to stop living in the past; stating , there is no need to look at the past, but look to the future.

Dotun never expresses a judgement of any caller- he is endlessly respectful, and he expresses a real affection towards all the contributers, which manifests an environment with the potential for people to feel free to express themselves openly.

However, these contributions, I realised, resulted in a need to add my voice . Am I a feminist? I thought I was. Now I think I may be a personist!

My thoughts had developed over a matter of minutes. A memory had been recalled. A moment when a person, slightly familiar, but not a trusted friend, approached me on the pavement, took my head into his hands, kissed me on the mouth, saying ‘you deserve that’. From that point, I did my best to avoid him.

I didn’t ‘slap him’. I didn’t berate him. My body , after many experiences of assault, was trained to not react- for fear of death. The freeze effect is a very powerful form of self defence. I needed to have taken up martial arts at some point. My freeze is what I have, and I understand it in others.

Just last week, I visited a campsite. Someone I do know, who I have shared conversations with, kissed me bang on the lips in greeting. It felt completely natural and mutual. So very different.

When my call to R5L was taken, Dotun surprised me by asking me to pick an inspirational song for the end of the show. He, rightly, suggested, ‘Sisters are doing it for themselves’. I said, ‘yes thats an obvious choice, how about ‘Its raining men?’ We both laughed. Why did I chose that song? Why did it come to my mind.

Hearing men challenge their sexism, their assumptions, be willing to reflect on events and try and completely understand the experience of another is something I have waited decades to hear. For me, if it could ‘rain men’ like that, the world would shift towards something so much better. We need reflection, we need revisiting the past, we need reparation to progress. Like white people need to stretch their imaginations to wonder what life is like if your melanin is stronger, men need to engage in uncomfortable conversations with each other about the sexism that ruins everyone’s life. It belittles us all, which is why I am considering describing myself as a personist.

By belittling the impact of the Kiss, there is danger of describing the similar attitude displayed by saying a rape victim deserved it, because of the clothes worn, or because of their sexual history, or because of their intoxication. Dotun compared the moment of the Kiss being broadcast to the world seeing George Floyd being murdered. A powerful and thought provoking parallel.

Another racist shooting took place this week in America. As a mother, every time I hear that, I get that freeze moment. The fear it could be my child being targeted. The fear that those with high melanin know. The fear that parents of daughters know, the fear of parents of gay or transgender children. How have we got to this point of fear?

In this moment, the Football world cup moment, celebration, and adrenalin running high, emotions celebrational, Rubiales reverted to a behaviour that perhaps his dear relatives adore, a kiss on the mouth, a slap on the bottom. Not the behaviour to a star professional football player who has just participated in a world record for their country.

Since August 20th, Rubiales had the chance to reflect, to reconsider, to grow. Instead he dug in, dug a hole and provided ammunition to feed the battle between the sexes. Now his bereft mother carries his shame, starving herself in her church, humilated by how the world is reacting to his error.

It’s a sorry affair. What is not a sorry affair is how Dotun, Tim and their guests were able to reflect, to express their understanding and to seek change. I’ve waited decades to hear men have that conversation.

It warms my heart, and so

Yes.

Its raining Men.

Hallelujah.